How I am surviving being a single dad
My story starts in 2009, on August the third, when my son was born. He was born by means of a caesarean delivery, which provided me with an opportunity, normally given to mothers, which is, to hold him on my naked chest for some time. That experience is impossible to reduce to words. The bond that was formed that day was merely the beginning of a love like I have never experienced.
In 2013 my marriage was on rocky ground. We tried to reconcile, but a year later, I moved out and another year later, our divorce was final. The implications of this breaking up of a family unit brought me much sadness, hardness and grief. The days felt like weeks; work seemed pointless; the idea of a new life did not exist. My joy was lost and I was like a dead-man walking. But there was one thing that kept me going… my son!
My son started showing typical signs of separation anxiety. This drove me to depression periodically. I only saw him Thursdays and every other weekend. This arrangement seems to work best and we still follow this regime today still. But even though it was working for my son, it was not for me. Being alone so much gave me time to think, and I think a lot! Being stuck in my thoughts brought out the worst in me, though fortunately every Thursday I was forced to get out of my rut and keep my chin up, though with variable success.
As parents we get along very well, which is by the grace of God alone. We were both saved after our separation and God’s Word became our go-to in times of need. However, as new believers, this was very difficult initially as we didn’t know the Bible. We were both attending a non-Bible teaching church and that did nothing for our faith. We found new churches and I ended up applying to study Theology full time to really get to learn the Bible. Subsequently we have become earnest learners of the Scriptures, which is a type of grace in itself.
We are a work in progress with many flaws still. This road was not easy up to now, but the Bible’s light surely made things much clearer. Our methods of thinking are not originating from a self-willed idea nor a concept of what we ourselves think is best for our son, but from God commands. Not everything is simply stated in the Bible and answers to contemporary challenges are difficult to discern, however, with God’s Spirit of unity, we are committed to finding and following the truth.
I hate being divorced. I would be lying if I did not write that. It has broken me; my life and dreams are devastated and my son is bearing the consequences of it. I am forced to do homework, do school runs, and other children’s activities most moms would do. I don’t mind doing them, but I am often the only man there, and I know my son sees it. That is not the best Biblical example to show my son of what a father and husband looks like. Society has created an acceptable cultural identity for men like me. This is ungodly, it is sin and I refuse to conform to this pattern, even though it is not easily overcome.
I go through great lengths to teach my son Biblical truths and doctrine. He is only nine, so much of it is over his head, but after about two years of teaching him, I am seeing a change in his understanding. Because I don’t see him daily, we agreed that at our house, we only read the Bible. I do not mind storybooks, but I only get one shot at raising my son in a manner acceptable to God, so I choose to read the Bible.
We also don’t just read stories, we discuss them. We try to go as deep as he can go with understanding the true message and I try to apply it to his life where possible. This is tremendously difficult for me – he is VERY busy and seldom even sits still when we read the Bible. I have tried making him sit still to no avail, but with some wise council, I discovered that even though he might be busy with a stick or a ball or tumbling around, he still hears and comprehends… it blows my mind, but it works.
Through all the pain and trials, I am growing in grace. God has been and is continuously being so good to us. I know how much God hates divorce, still, He chose to love me in my total brokenness. Not only as a broken family, but also as a broken, hurt and failing individual. If it were not for the Bible, I would be a mess. The truth has not only set me free, but set me on a path of righteousness; and with righteousness I mean a type of right standing with God, through Jesus, even as a divorced man.
My only advice to people, men or women, in my position, is to serve your ex-spouse. Be wrong, take the blame, apologise (even if you are right) and humble yourself. Remember Jesus died with a beaten and broken body, he bore our shame and guilt, he paid for our sins, all this so we do not have to, though we are to mimic Him.
To be humble is hard work, but the victory I walk in is not my own, but that of Christ’s finished work. Most divorced people live in constant animosity. You cannot be humble if you keep thinking about yourself, or even your kids. Most people fight because they want what is best for their kids… ironic, marriage is what is best for kids!! Start thinking about God and what He wants. Share Jesus’ good news with your kids and your ex. Even if he/she is not open to the message, you continue to submit in humility and have a servant attitude. Let Christ work in their hearts and you just keep praying. God is oh so faithful!
There is no biblical reconciliation manual for broken homes. Your only alternative is repentance. Turn from your sinful ways; your fighting, bickering and badmouthing. Humble yourself like Jesus, who is God, yet He died for people like you. Let Him save you, even now. There is forgiveness in the blood of Jesus and with forgiveness comes peace with God the Father. This is grace, this is Christianity and this is your and my only hope. Being a single parent is not the end of the road, heaven is.
I do not know much, but what I have written here is what I do and what has saved me thus far. I pray that you too will find peace amidst your very difficult situation.
May God bless you.