On my fiftieth birthday I was presented with perhaps my most precious gift ever received, namely, a little bag with fifty cards in it. On these cards were fifty messages of appreciation to me that Heidi, Christopher and Kaitlyn had written. They had looked past the many flaws in my character as a husband and father and called out those traits they appreciated in me. I was humbled by this incredible expression of love as I am deeply aware of how grace, God’s grace has sustained and been central to the kind of father and husband I have hoped to be. I am also so aware of the incredible mom Heidi has been to our children. As a parent she is so much more than I could ever be. So as I read the cards, time and again I was left amazed at how the little things along the way had mattered. Being there mattered.
One of the first cards Kaitlyn wrote magnified this truth. She said, “I love that you have supported me in terms of my singing and my artwork”. Now there is a story there and in a moment I will try help you understand the emotion in what she said. But before I do, essentially being there for your children means that you become a student of their character and personality. To get to know them along with what makes them tick and to not diminish them by imposing on them some preconceived idea of who I think they should be. It is recognising, along with the Psalmist, that they are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139). They matter to God.
So I tried to be there for each of them. Physically for sure – many hours were spent at school events, taking them to music lessons, alongside cricket fields and hockey pitches, pitching up at art displays and so much more. I tried as best I could to be an involved father recognising that I only had a small window of time to make a difference in their lives and provide them with a deep sense of security through being loved and cared for. But being there for them was and continues to be so much more than simply being there for them physically. It also means being there and being engaged in their emotional and spiritual lives. I like to believe and I know it to be true that both our children learnt first-hand, from Heidi and myself, what it means to love, serve and honour God. I am not saying that we always got it right but I can tell you that the deep longing of our hearts was that our home would be a place where God and people would be honoured and loved. It was at the kitchen table and bed times and in the car to choir and guitar practice that often our conversation drifted into exchanges around faith, love, disappointments, uncertainties and a myriad of other very real and important topics. They opened up because we were prepared to listen in spaces they were comfortable to talk.
But being there has also meant giving support in times of hurt and heartbreak. Each of our children have had experiences that could have shaped them very differently if we had not been there in the moment they needed us. Each had disappointments, hurts and times of confusion along the way. On one occasion Kaitlyn missed out on something she so deeply longed to do. I had to be there, we had to be there. On another occasion she was set-up to fail with her singing, and when she did she lost confidence. We had to be there. And in the process of her regaining confidence to sing in front of people again, we had to be there. We had to be there for Christopher when he went through a very confusing time of being misdiagnosed with epilepsy. We had to be there when he was disappointed by people he trusted. We had to be there through times of anxiety and stress of facing exams that were just so demanding. In these moments I could not afford to be an absent and apathetic father. For by being absent or apathetic in the moment would have left my children to deal with many of life’s hits alone. And it is certainly my hope that what they have received from Heidi and I they will pass on to their children as a legacy of being there when it mattered most.
So as I conclude let me take this opportunity to make some practical suggestions of how you can be there in the moment. But before I do let me remind you that God has only given you a very small window of time that your children get to be with you. So be there, with them, when it matters.
Here are some suggestions (this is by no means an exhaustive list but only examples of what you could do):
- Set aside regular time with each of your children (individually), to do things with them that they enjoy. Men this includes stepping out your comfort zones and to take your daughter shopping, if that is what she enjoys.
- Do fun projects together: Build a tree-house TOGETHER, build a dolls house TOGETHER, garden TOGETHER, whatever, just do it TOGETHER.
- Do special birthday events at 13 and 18 for your children (make these spiritually significant moments)
- Find out where and when your children like to talk. This won’t necessarily be at your convenience. But find this space.
- Make the dinner table a safe space to talk. For us it is at our kitchen table.
- Offer to be the parent to pick up your children and their friends from parties, after the matric dance, etc.
- Be there at significant milestones in their lives. When they arrive for their matric dance, at birthdays, when they go out on their first date, etc.
- Let your home be a safe place where your children can hang out with their friends.
I am sure you realise I could list pages of practical ideas you could us. But the bottom line is “Children are not a distraction from more important work. They are the most important work.” (CS Lewis) So be there when it matters.